When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
