did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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