I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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