i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
