Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
