I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
