You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Randomize
