Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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