She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
