i think my mom watched the whole time
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
