genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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