i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
