he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
