I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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