My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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