My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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