Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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