The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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