guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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