I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
even my farts smell like vagina
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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