who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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