A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
