He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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