I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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