WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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