I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
