They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
