Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
