You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
