My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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