sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
