you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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