Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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