I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
