I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
