so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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