I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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