tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
