you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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