i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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