I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
