you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize