And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
