I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
