just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
