You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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