Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
