I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
