Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
