your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We left an ass print on the piano.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
