Your face is a jimmy john
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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